Hallelujah!

McKinley slept through the night!!! It was divine... no, heavenly... to get 8 hours of sleep. I did wake up a few times, briefly thinking to myself that she should be waking up soon... but then immediately fell back to sleep. (Apparently Jeff (the responsible parent) woke up a few times and went and checked on her... I think she had him a little worried.) She finally woke up at 6 am (after having gone to sleep at 9:30 the night before) happy and smiling! What a sweet, sweet girl. I could do that every night! ; ) Thank you McKinley!!!

Of course I've learned my lesson about expecting great things like this to repeat themselves. I'm sure it'll still be awhile before she sleeps through the night consistently... but I'll enjoy these little treats when they come. Oh yes I will. (Not that getting up at 2 am has been bad. After all... then I get to watch my favorite shows... Three's Company (from 1am to 2am) and M*A*S*H (from 2am to 3am). Yep. I'm a 70's sitcom junkie. )

This is hard...

So it's been awhile since I've posted anything "serious". Mostly I like to post pictures of my daughter, because she is just so darn cute. But today, I have to admit... this parent thing is hard. I expected it would be... everyone tells you it will be. But they also tell you the joy that you experience way outweighs any negative experiences, and I would agree with that. But sometimes... I just don't want to be a mother for a moment. Just for that split second. It usually revolves around something McKinley needs that interferes with my plans at the time. My selfish nature rearing its ugly head. Sometimes, I just don't want to have to nurse at 3am. Sometimes, I don't want to have to change the nth poopie diaper for the day. Sometimes, I don't want to have to worry about whether or not she'll get the swine flu, or if she should or should not sleep on her stomach. (Can I just say that SIDS SUCKS!?!?!?! For the obvious reasons of course... but my daughter would take a 2 to 3 hour nap daily if she could sleep on her stomach. However, I am stuck with 15 to 45 minute catnaps all day because she sleeps on her back... mostly. Sometimes, I cave and put her on her stomach, like today, and she's been asleep for hours. I've been in there 30,000 times to check on her, but she's still been asleep for hours.)

Sometimes, I am frustrated with how having a child changed our marriage. Don't get me wrong, we're still happily married. But I rarely get to talk to Jeff anymore. Usually, he rushes home, we get dinner together and get her to bed, just in time for one or both of us to exclaim that we are exhausted and going to bed. As much as I feel like we are getting into a routine, and getting this parent thing figured out, we are still in survival mode... just getting by. Sometimes, I miss the carefree, let's just jump in the car and do "X"... but now, it's at least an hour scramble to make sure we have diapers, wipes, blankets, burp cloths, extra clothes, and... oh yeah, the baby.

Please don't get me wrong... I love, love, love McKinley. More than life itself. And in no way would I ever change our circumstances. She is delightful. She makes my heart burst with love in a way I never knew was possible. But sometimes... on occasion... I miss my old life. I miss sleep. I miss my old body. I miss my old marriage. And then I feel guilty, because I know there are so many women out there who would give anything to be in my shoes.

It doesn't help that right now, I feel completely disconnected from my friends and from my family. I'm sure it's just something emotional... but I feel alone. It's just something I'm going through... and I know that it will pass. But for right now, I feel stuck, and I feel alone.

The sad thing is, I realized today, that I've completely abandoned God. Not my faith, I still have that... but I don't pray, I don't read the Bible. I don't talk to Him. I'm just surviving. And I know... that if I could just do those things, this would be a lot easier. But sometimes it's hard. Oh, who am I kidding... Most of the time it's hard. It was hard before I had a baby!

Let me close with this... please don't go looking up those postpartum depression hotlines. I'm not in that place. I'm not thinking of harming myself, or my baby... I love both of us way too much for that. No... I just needed to admit out loud that this is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and in different ways, and at different times. Yesterday was a particularly difficult day. And so I vent. That's what blogs are for, right? And now... I feel better.

Love,
Melissa

McKinley is Three Months!

What we're up to

That really varies from day to day. Sometimes we get lots done, sometimes we watch movies and sleep in the chair all day long. It just sort of depends. Jeff has been great to let me sleep the last couple nights, only waking me to nurse her, but changing her and putting to back to bed. It's been great. I still long for the night when M will go down at 8pm and sleep until 8am... hopefully sometime sooner than later.

M is getting cuter all the time... and bigger too. She weighed in at 1o 1/2 lbs almost 2 weeks ago... so we can guarantee she's over 11 lbs now. She's starting to fit into her 3mo clothes and has many outfits to choose from. It's fun dressing her, although a lot of days we stay in our jammies a lot later than I'd like to admit! ; )

Here's some photos of our precious angel... I just love her so much!